Portia Perez: How fricken cute.
-A pair of gloved hands began to massage Portia's shoulders and a familiar voice began to speak-
Goldust: Mm...you are so...stressed.
Portia Perez: I am stressed.
-Portia closed her eyes. The massage felt nice so it hadn't registered just yet that a stranger was in her locker room-
Goldust: You need to...
-The bizarre one took a deep breath before exhaling.-
Goldust: ...relax.
-It was then that Portia's eyes snapped open and she sprung out of her chair. She cocked her fist back and Goldust shrieked in terror and held his hands up in front of his face.-
Portia Perez: How did you get in here?!
Goldust: That isn't important!
Portia Perez: Uh, the hell it isn't!
Goldust: I'm here to help you, little lady!
-Portia gave the man in the gold body suit a sharp kick to his leg and he wailed in agony-
Goldust: What was that for?!
Portia Perez: Don't talk down to me, freak!
Goldust: I want to help, I want to help! I know you have a match against Shelley Martinez.
Portia Perez: Salinas.
Goldust: Ariel?
Portia Perez: WHATEVER her name is this week doesn't matter! I'm going to beat her so bad that her own mom won't recognize her! After Aggression she's going to be afraid of sunlight, garlic, stakes through the heart and Portia FRICKEN Perez!
Goldust: She does seem to have an identity crisis. But I know you can beat her. And I also know that you don't like...
-He directed his thumb to the monitor that showing Trish and Natalya-
Portia Perez: Skank-A-Tron and Whore Bot 2099.
Goldust: Yes. Skank-A-Tron and Whore Bot 2099. I don't like them either. So catty.
Portia Perez: And guess what? After I'm done smacking Ariel around? Those two can wobble down to the ring and get some too.
Goldust: But there are two of them and only one of you.
Portia Perez: Big deal! It will be fair for them then! I'll take them both on! The fake vampire chick might almost make me break a sweat. I promise I would get a few good shots in first.
Goldust: Mm. I don't like them. Did I mention that, perchance?
Portia Perez: Yeah, yeah. Get in line. Get to the POINT.
Goldust: Well, as you may know, I'm a bit of a movie aficionado.
-Goldust threw an arm around Portia and held a palm outwards-
Goldust: And I'm looking for a muse. Someone I can make shine.
Portia Perez: Why are you touching me?
-Goldust quickly retracted his arm.-
Goldust: And I also know that you want to be noticed more. This can do it. This can not only propel you to a victory over Ariel but to..
-He performed his patented "deep breath/CHOMP" combo and Portia scrunched her face up at this behavior-
Goldust: ...Stardom.
Portia Perez: Is it going to be bad ass?
Goldust: It will be the most bad ass thing the world has ever seen.
Portia Perez: I'm. In.
-The odd pair nodded in agreement and headed out of the locker room-
****
-The scene returned in Goldust's editing room. He sat in front of control panel after showing Portia the finished product. She folded her arms and he looked back in his directors chair to the diva-
Goldust: ...Was it to your liking?
Portia Perez: It needs to be about...
-She gives her next words some serious thought-
Portia Perez: 20% more bad ass.
-Goldust got all uppity and huffed. He flung some strands of his blond wig aside.-
Goldust: I'm the director here! I can't work under these conditions!
Portia Perez: I'm training to fight a vampire! Don't talk to me!
-Portia pulled a weight from seemingly nowhere and began to curl it in her arm. Goldust returned to his editing equipment.-
Goldust: Starlets. They think they know it all. I suppose it's time for the...final cut.
Portia Perez: Are you talking to me while I'm training for a vampire fight?! I KNOW you aren't talking to me while I'm training to training for a vampire fight!
-Goldust hunched back over his control panel, giving a nervous peek over his shoulder occasionally-
****
-After the screen went black the following video began to play:
-The song "Click Click Boom" by Saliva began to play specifically the part where the singer screams "CLICK, CLICK BOOM!". The screen showed a huge explosion. After it settled, Goldust's voice began to narrate the footage-
...In the world of tomorrow...
...One woman, CAN...
...In a world...
...Who had the chance...
FIGHT FOR FREEDOM
-The footage showed one of Porita Perez's ring entrances except it had been edited to make it look as though she were walking through a series of explosions.-
THIS SUMMER
THEY TOOK IT ALL
-Trish Stratus and Natalya are shown with the Women's and Sky High Titles, respectively. The footage from their Warfare promo was spliced and edited.-
Trish Stratus: Whoa! We are talentless. And knock off board blowers. And little bitches.
Natayla: We are, hands down, nasty little gremlins. The Poison Trio are the most impressive diva's.
Trish Stratus: High heel shoes.
AND SHE WANTS IT BACK
THIS SUMMER
PORTIA PEREZ IN:
JUSTICE IS A NINJA
TERMINAL GUT-ROT
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
OUT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT
...THIS SUMMER...
-The footage shows another Porita entrance edited to make it look like she were walking through a dark, rainy city-
ONLY SHE CAN MAKE THEM PAY
THE STREETS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN
...THIS SUMMER...
-A close up on a box of Count Chocula cereal. Goldust's hand can be seen wiggling it around as he begins to speak, not even attempting to sound like a Ariel or even a woman-
ArielDust: Blaaaah! I'm Ariel! I can never defeat Portia Perez! I'm so lame and she is so powerful! I love Twilight! She is going to hurt me very much! She's going to knock my insides out! Just like this!
-The box is shaken about and it's chocolaty contents go flying about on the table it's resting on. After everything is spilled out the box lifelessly falls over-
ArielDust: ...My life...is over.
IN A FILM JOE SEGAL SAYS IS THE NEXT BALLS OF FURY
DIRECTED BY GOLDUST IN HIS STUNNING POSTMORTEM CINEMATIC VISION
-Scene's from some of Portia's matches are shown. Whenever she punches, kicks, or performs a move on an opponent, they either explode or gush out a ridiculous amount of poorly rendered blood.-
PUTS IT ALL ON THE LINE
BOOMSHAKALAKA
ONE WOMAN
THIS WINTER SOLSTICE
ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE
STARRING:
Jessica Rabbit as Rayna Von Tosh
Dakota Fanning as Taylor Wilde
That prostitute who always hangs outside of the arena as Ariel
Barbara Streisand as Trish Stratus
Avril Lavigne as Natalya (and her lame little pink hair streaks)
Tom Hanks as Lance Storm
Mark Tremontti as Wes Ikeda
and
PORTIA PEREZ as PORTIA PEREZ
-All of the previous scenes are shown at a rapid fire pace to the tune of dramatic opera music until the last shot of a skull with shakes coming out of it explodes and the scene goes to black. The camera cuts back to Portia and Goldust in the editing room. They have their backs pressed against a wall and their arms folded-
Goldust: That was...delicious.
Portia Perez: Postmortem vision? Since when did you die?
Goldust: I just thought it made things sound more majestic. I'm not sure about that last scene with the exploding skull covered in snakes you insisted I put it.
Portia Perez: Trust me. It's only the most metal thing on the whole planet.
-Goldust places his hand onto Portia's shoulder and smiles proudly-
Goldust: You have this match in the bag. Hollywood is going to be beating down your door. Tell me...what is your strategy?
Portia Perez: Hit her until she can't get up anymore.
Goldust: Brilliant. I love it. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Portia Perez: No it isn't.
-Portia walks off as Goldust calls after her-
Goldust: Don't you forget about me when you hit the big time!